REALLY missing my daughter today–came across more pictures and some odds and ends.  Brings the past on strong.  Before she left, at 16, to go to Hawaii, we had been having major problems, so the first year or two she was gone, I had a lot of unresolved anger issues.  I felt some relief that she was gone.  Now that she’s been gone longer, I am very much feeling the empty nest syndrome, and have gnawing loneliness for her.  She has turned her life around-thank God, but we don’t communicate much.  I feel like it’s partially my fault, because when she was here, I wasn’t a very good listener.  I was on the computer a lot.  I wish I could have those years back!! I love her sooooooooo much!  I miss my son and grand kids, too-been 2 years since I’ve seen all of them!

I think I need to communicate more with  her, sending her the occasional card or letter–need to start over again.  I DO have a lot of guilt feelings, which do me no good.  I have regrets, too, which gnaw at me, from time to time.  Her father has not been in her life much at all, and I feel guilty about that, too.  She never understood, until she was older, and I could tell her-why he didn’t come to visit her!

I am still de-cluttering-there is so much to get rid of!  I am getting there, so I can sell off my stuff, and hopefully, go to Florida.  I don’t know when, but hopefully it won’t be too long?

I am tired, but think I will work for a while-maybe then, I can nap.  My mind keeps me from sleeping, as there are so many thoughts passing through…forgive me Trisha, and forgive me, God!

Have 2 dressers completely empty of stuff, been sorting through things for a garage sale, did dishes, scrubbed cat puke spots, made garbage, and priced many items.  Tried to nap, but only rested, as there is a lot of noise coming from the car place that backs up to my apt.  Came across more photos, makes me miss my kids even more—really nostalgic today, and need to keep reminding myself to stay in the present moment!  Back is sore from being down on the floor so much, but more rest should help.

Much more to go through, I want to start fresh when I move to Tampa, with very little, to bog me down.  I would like to bring my cats there, they’re family!  Will evenbtually have a big sale, and sell of most everything, except for the antiques.  Hope to make some decent money?!

I need to quit smoking, too-to save $240.00/mo–just wish it wasn’t so hard to quit!!  The money I would save would come in pretty handy for when I move!

Been out of touch and down, but things can only get better…positive thinking and prayer work wonders!

Today is the memorial for my Uncle Donn, he passed away a couple of months ago.  He had a good, long life, and always had a twinkle in his eyes!  Will be a chance to see other relatives I haven’t seen in a while.

I got the pre-app from Tampa Housing Authority, in the mail yesterday–have already filled it out, and will mail it today!  I’m so hoping I can get down there before too long!?!  I know it’s kind of expensive down there, but hopefully, my SSI will be more?! (The cost of living is higher, so maybe so?)  I MUST be by the ocean and palms!  Money-wise, I don’t know how I’ll afford to get down there, but I am going to sell most of my belongings, and save, and borrow.  If I have to eat peanut butter sandwiches here, and there, I will!!!

1. Who are you in the grand scheme of things?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. Do you have a crush on me and if so, wanna make out?

5. Who’s that Pokemon?

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

7. Describe me in one word.

8. What was your first impression of me?

9. Do you still think that way about me now?

10. What reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. How well do you know me?

13. When’s the last time you used common sense?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?

15. Are you going to put this on your Xanga and see what I say about you?

Studying Buddhism, as I have always like the simplicity-and exploring other venues.  I am currently reading ‘Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind’ by Suzuki.  Also have 2 other books that I am interested in reading.  I feel, more than a religion, that it is a discipline, a way of life.  Meditation is a large part of Buddhism, and is important to me for centering and mindfulness, as well as bringing a sense of peace.

I was baptised Lutheran, confirmed Congregationalist, then ‘turned’ Catholic a month before marrying for the first time.  I don’t necessarily believe wholly (sic) in any one religion.  Nature is my thing.  I have explored other faiths, in the past, but am not a church-goer.

I will be going to a meditation center, called Common Ground, this Sunday morning at 8 am.  They have 1/2 hour sessions of walking or sitting mindfulness meditation!  I am looking forward to this immensely!

Meanwhile, I went to the Walker Art Center, on Tuesday, and saw the ‘Lifelike’ exhibit, as well as others-really enjoyable, and humorous!  Wednesday, I attended a book club at Vail Place.  We discussed the book, ‘The Seventeen Second Miracle,’ a life-changing story!

Today has been pretty quiet, but have enjoyed the peacefulness.  Saturday, I will be going to a memorial for my uncle Donn.  He passed away not too long ago, but he had a very full life, and did a lot of writing, along with his wife, Nancy.

Waiting for all the flowers outside to bloom, it won’t be too long, then I can start taking more photos!

I still want to move to Tampa-NEED to be near the ocean, and palm trees year-round. It will be a joyous ‘homecoming’ as I feel that is where I belong.  Will need to sell off a lot of things, but I want to start fresh, with little belongings-simplicity.

I forgot to post the pictures of the flower garden show here!  I will try to do so, but am not sure on the spacing and captions, but here goes!!

I am fired up, I will be moving to Tampa, Florida, sometime in the near future.  I want to spend my golden years near the ocean and palms, and near friends!  I have made several phone calls and sent emails, to get the ball rolling!  I have a friend that lives there, that is putting me in touch with a realtor.  I need low-income housing, and have already contacted the Public Housing Authority there.  I will make this dream come true-I can hardly contain myself!

It’s time for a change, as I have been living in the same apartment building, and living thru the winters here, for 14 years-guess I felt stuck, but the avenues are opening up!  It might mean waiting for a few years, but it will be worth it!  I did ask my friend if they have a room they could rent to me, but she said they are now looking for land, or a suitable house to buy, then we could talk. 

Keeping my hopes up!!

why I write here…I rarely get comments, but it seems easier to bare my soul here, than on FB?!  Weekends put me in a funk, but I now have a meditation center I can go to on Saturdays or Sundays.  Will be a big help to get centered, and be with other like-minded people.

I now want to move to Tampa, Florida, as I have a friend that lives there, and another friend will be moving to Clearwater-which is nearby-in the fall!  Feel as if the ocean and palms are in my blood!  I yearn for the sunshine and the water.  I have traveling in my blood, as well.  I’ve been where I am for 14 long years-it’s past time to move on.  My past haunts me here.  Time to get a move-on!

Haven’t written any poetry in a long time, just haven’t felt inspired, maybe it will come back?  Hope so.  Have written hundreds of them.  I wonder if taking Ambien at night, might be dulling my senses, or if one of my other meds might affect my writing ability?  Who’s to know?  I have depression, some anxiety and borderline personality disorder.  Despite all this, I have faith, and try to keep up a positive outlook.  I like reading TheTheologiansCafe-he is an old friend, that I have lost touch with. @TheTheologiansCafe, where are you?!!

Put up a lot of 45 singles on my FB, to keep from feeling lonely today. (Laurie J. Buell) Helped a bit, but I skipped lunch, and am now starving, so I must go…love to you that read this…<3

I need to keep reminding myself, to be in the here and now, to have an awareness of my thoughts.  I have a tendency to leap into the past-it can’t be changed.  Living in the here and now enables me to be clear and sure.

Yesterday didn’t go so well, but I was static and full of expectations.  A walk would have done me good, as nature always brings the ‘me’ back in touch with what’s really important. 

Today, I will go to a flower garden show, and later-will do Creative Writing-worthwhile things.